Do you ever wonder about all the decisions that have brought you to this point in life? Am I making all the right decisions? If I could go back, would I change anything? These are questions nobody has the answers for but keep people like me awake. One thing that worries me the most is if I am parenting to the best of my ability.
I fear, above all, that am failing as a parent. I feel that I’ve been losing my temper more lately, mostly out of a hate of the I feel in a rut right now. It makes me feel awful when my family catches the brunt of my frustration. Especially the kids, because it’s obviously not their fault. And they have no concept of why Dad is always so unhappy and cranky. Lack of sleep, bad job, stress, and a case of common depression are all excuses Dad can offer in defense. Dad doesn’t want to be remembered as the asshole who ruined everyone’s days all the time.
I suppose this all fits in with today being Father’s Day. Dad doesn’t feel like he is living up to the standards he should be. Always sleeping and or angry. Daddy is sorry, I know you don’t understand right now. All I can do is apologize for always being cranky and promise you one day it will be different. Daddy promises that he is doing the best to make changes. Everything dad does is attempting to be the best he can be and make a great life for you. Dad feels like he is failing, and one day I hope you kids will see that all I ever wanted was to be the best dad in the world to you. Should you boys and your sister ever read this, know that I am sorry for all that I’ve done.
I love you more than I could ever express, even though it may not seem like it sometimes. Being a grownup is hard, and it’s even harder for a child to understand. Mostly us grownups just make it up as we go along. Watching you grow up is amazing, and seeing you three happy is the greatest feeling a Dad can ask for.
I’m sorry for being a hard-ass.